just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Operation Purity has been aborted
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
