i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.�
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
