the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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