im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Randomize
