i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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