my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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