I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
