I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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