ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Can Purell be used as lube?
im holly from the hills drunk
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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