she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
