hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
