I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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