Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
