So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Randomize
