Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
