I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
