I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
