Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
