my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
