I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
