I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Randomize
