while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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