Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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