I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
