his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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