I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
