Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
