someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
