I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
