is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
