one two three fourrrrnication!
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
