I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Randomize
