this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
