the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Too much gin, very little bucket
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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