i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Green mimosas i think yes
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
