I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
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