Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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