I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
