We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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