yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
