3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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