I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Use "feeling words"
Yay
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
