I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
