Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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