You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
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