i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
