She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
You work out of a Hotel?
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Please don't give away my fajitas
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