if we break up, who will get the dealer?
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
