I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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