I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
