I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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